>Be me >18, almost 19, mtf >Found out i was trans in early 2023 >Parents don't accept, they are aware but refuse to acknowledge it and continue to misgender and deadname me >Get severely yelled at if my real name is shown in their presence >They have and would take away my fem clothes if they found it >Not on hrt yet >Been wanting to move out for a long time ever since i saw their true colors, even contemplated running away >Never went through with it, since it was poorly planned >Dysphoria has been getting so much worse every time i'm around them, to the point where i no longer feel anything much >Only feel happier online and in school, where i'm more out of the closet and use my proper name and pronouns >Pass moderately well but has been putting less effort into appearance, almost boymoding but not quite >Stress has increased drastically with money and freaking out about my college classes >Considered suicide and possibly homicide on multiple occasions, but never went to those lengths >My parents are unaware of all of this as i don't tell them shit. They'd just dismiss me even if i did tell them >Was already messed up and had a lot of issues with autism, adhd, depression, and anxiety >Knew i was meant for something greater but i can't help but feel as though dark forces are forcing me backward, but that's another schizo rant for another thread >Trump's fascist regime making it 10 times worse for me >Only find solace in my hobbies, which include working on my comic strip and my music >Lately had less times to do even those simple pleasures Would probably feel so much better, at least partially, if i started taking estrogen. I even found a DIY site (https://hrtcafe.net/index.html), but i don't want to risk getting caught. I might go to a friend's house and do it there but idk if that's too risky or not. What should i do?
I had no chance as an autistic male. I was exposed to anime, kpop, and liberal feminist ideology at a young age. I grew up hating anything masculine and conservative. By the time I was a teenager, sissy hypnosis, hentai, and BBC porn had infected my brain. Tumblr was the initial vector, but soon instagram, twitter, pinterest, tik tok all bombarded my psyche.
Female sexuality overwhelmed me. I was rejected by boys for being a slim uncoordinated nerdy faggot with heavy round glasses. I was rejected by girls for being a creepy autist. Gradually, I learned that the only way to gain social acceptance was to act feminine, follow what the popular girls did and obey. Be deferential, docile, reticent, reserved, not speak out of turn. I learned to paint myself with makeup and change my outfit three times to find the perfect look. I got contact lenses. I began doing cardio, squatting, yoga, pilates.
I avoided sex well into adulthood. I resisted the final act of submission, penetration. I didn't want to debate myself and end my bloodline by being impaled on a man's cock, but by then I had been on estrogen for years. Erections became next to impossible. I signed a paper and my balls were removed.
What else was there for me? Eventually I bowed to the inevitable, met a guy, became his girlfriend, and moved in with him. Suddenly several years went by. I realized today, I no longer remember being male. My body can't remember. There is nothing left to emasculate. I've been truly defeated... but how?
Is it possible to find someone who'll love you forever? It's very rare I'll like someone enough to love them, but when it does happen it genuinely feels like I could love them until the end of time. But every time, they gradually show less and less affection, until it eventually ends after around half or a full year. I just don't get it. I find it very easy to love someone unconditionally, but no one ever feels the same about me. They always tell me it's not my fault it ended up like this, but I can't help but feel like it is somehow sometimes.
there’s this guy i really like. we don’t see each other often since hes at uni in another province. but when he comes home for breaks he comes over and we cuddle and sleep together. i mentioned that i wish we could hangout outside my room. he said we would hangout outside during summer break. he also said he loves me. we haven’t been talking much lately though. he got pretty busy with finals. finals are over now though. i messaged him the other day and he hasn’t replied. he’s been posting stuff on instagram though. like him having fun outside and stuff.
i’m probably transferring to his uni next year. i mentioned it to him before and he didn’t seem that excited but i didn’t think too hard about it.
he could def get a really pretty cis girl if he wanted. idk how to describe how i’m feeling. i wish i had someone to go outside with
