i think being trans and mentally ill has brought me closer to god/religion or atleast spirituality. not in a psychotic way, im not delusional (yet) but i find myself thinking of what could have actually caused me to be like this a lot more lately. it feels like it was done on purpose, like there is something that made me and wanted me to suffer. a while ago i actually considered starting to pray every day. not to any specific god, mostly just to try it out maybe just as a grounding ritual. i still mostly consider myself an atheist but i kinda wish i wasnt one. i wish i could use spirituality to make it feel like there is an actual reason as to why i have to live like this.