>>39717285That is a valid concern. The way deal with all self awareness problems are, I look for patterns and I look for contradictions in those patterns.
When you get in the habit of doing this, it is not hard to keep track of why you've acted in certain ways in the past even if at first it seems discordant.
Because you see a pattern of behavior and you can recognize that something must have intervened to change that behavior. Then you may see why your behavior has changed multiples times. And then eventually there is a consistent reason for all behavior breaks, and nothing is "random", you just match these patterns up with your memories and ask which of these reasons for my acting this way is most likely, based on the patterns I've displayed.
For example me personally I had horrible npd Christian parents. They are irrational and that made me antagonize them. Irrational people now bug me. There are times when irrationality doesn't bug me.
Uh oh what is going on here? Well there must be some reoccuring phenomenon that causes this.
My partner shows me love. Rationally speaking I should be 100% self reliant and not need a partner. But I see that is not the case. Looking back at my childhood I did not get love. Is it possible I needed love, then and now? That is a pattern that explains the break in behavior. Now we have two patterns instead of one broken pattern. A pattern to explain why irrationality bothers me. A pattern to explain why it doesn't always.
This way of thinking may take years to develop. It's like trying to become a different person.
