> 21 y/o trans girl, mostly boymode, 8mo hormones
> on dating apps (not grindr)
> 26 y/o guy and I have been texting for a while
> asks me out
> say yes and he offers to take me to a ramen place
> day of, i wake up late and running all over the place panicked to do errands before the date
> he cancels last minute because he said he doesnt have money and offers for me to come over to his place for a movie instead
> im an idiot and accept
> hes really nice
> snuggle up to him during the movie
> part way through i ask him to go to the bedroom because i feel worthless to him otherwise
> suck him off
> his dick tastes weird
> i feel horrible like somethings missing
> we end up cuddling naked
> he asks if he can touch my genitals
> i say yeah hoping he likes me enough for it
> he does
> it feels okay initially, but i get more and more dysphoric
> he says, "release your load" when im not even close and I start tearing up
> he doesn't notice and continues
>by the end of it im crying saying "im sorry im not a real girl"
> he stops but and just says "So? What is a real girl anyways"
> i don't respond
> get up
> both awkwardly put on clothes
> leave
> cry in a fast food parking lot
> uninstall all my dating apps

why am I like this. why did I let this happen. im so worthless. the one thing people like me for i fall apart because of. i can't stop going numb and feeling horrible from this. my attempts at relationships are all horrible with them insulting me or telling me to kill myself by the end of it. i feel like i can only satisfy other people in one way that might make them tolerate me. i don't want to do any of this anymore. im not doing sex or anything else for a while

I feel so lonely.