I had no chance as an autistic male. I was exposed to anime, kpop, and liberal feminist ideology at a young age. I grew up hating anything masculine and conservative. By the time I was a teenager, sissy hypnosis, hentai, and BBC porn had infected my brain. Tumblr was the initial vector, but soon instagram, twitter, pinterest, tik tok all bombarded my psyche.

Female sexuality overwhelmed me. I was rejected by boys for being a slim uncoordinated nerdy faggot with heavy round glasses. I was rejected by girls for being a creepy autist. Gradually, I learned that the only way to gain social acceptance was to act feminine, follow what the popular girls did and obey. Be deferential, docile, reticent, reserved, not speak out of turn. I learned to paint myself with makeup and change my outfit three times to find the perfect look. I got contact lenses. I began doing cardio, squatting, yoga, pilates.

I avoided sex well into adulthood. I resisted the final act of submission, penetration. I didn't want to debate myself and end my bloodline by being impaled on a man's cock, but by then I had been on estrogen for years. Erections became next to impossible. I signed a paper and my balls were removed.

What else was there for me? Eventually I bowed to the inevitable, met a guy, became his girlfriend, and moved in with him. Suddenly several years went by. I realized today, I no longer remember being male. My body can't remember. There is nothing left to emasculate. I've been truly defeated... but how?