>>18744570>I couldn't even manage IRL relationships thoughwhen i say I had them, it doesn't mean that i was managing them. they were always pretty tenuous and unstable, and like I said, they imploded often. This also meant that a lot of my sense of feeling like a girl came from being sexualized like one -- ironically by cis women. This was suuuper confusing because of how much it made me feel like a fetishist deviant weirdo demoniac. Also, I almost always would present as a girl in online communities, mostly MMOs, and I loved the male attention that I would get even though it never really went anywhere for me.
i did a lot of delaying too, but honestly, i was such a massive repressor that I was able to convince myself of certain things that just were not true. this allowed me to carry things better in one sense, but it was such a compressed ball of emotion in another sense that if it were to burst it was like absolute poison. so there was a lot of delaying for me too. My voice was really hard to deal with, and even with vast improvement it is still something I struggle with to some extent, although I almost always pass. lots of fear and cope. I really didnt want to come out because I come from a working class background, and I knew how my family would react. all relationships have never been the same, some in positive ways others in negative (mostly awkward uncomfortable) ways. I also did not want to set a precedent by coming out that I would not be able to walk back, because, honestly, there is a lot of shame in a suicide attempt, i gaslight myself constantly, and i wonder that if im crazy enough to do that, then am i just crazy for feeling dysphoria too?
>all I ever see on this board as well is just fear and cope too.i mean this is a place absolutely filled with people in early transition, and the board becomes an echo chamber for that, which is sad. if there wasnt so much social stigma, FUCK life would be so much easier.
