Hello legbutts

I don't know what I'm making this post or what I hope to gain from it, i think I just want to get some stuff off my chest.

When I was younger, like elementary school, I wished I was a girl. But even then, if I wore like a costume/dressup dress, I would get hard. I didn't really understand it or like it, but I would. During this time, I also really found myself drawn to diapers? And I remember trying on old ones from when I was little.

Middle school comes, I find sissy and diaper porn, start jerking off to that. During this time, Dad starts to cheat on and beat Mom. He eventually dies.

Flash forward to HS, stop feeling "trans" and just think I have a sissy/cd kink, kind of repress those feelings. Eventually they come back near the end of HS, and I think I want to troon out. So I get on IC HRT, but even while I was there, I popped a boner as they described how HRT would change my body.

Many years passed, I went to college, got a job. During these years, I just boymoded. I focused on my degree, on my work, jerked off to diaper sissy stuff when I was horny, and that was it. I think I still longed to be a woman sometime but I always found something to occupy myself with.

And that's kind of been life, boymoding, trying not to think about any sense of "dysphoria" and just jerking it to weird porn.

But now I wonder, if I've put up with that for so long, am I even trans? Did I even have dysphoria? Or did I just pysop myself into thinking I did? I don't want to give my whole life story, but I feel like it's hard to understand where I'm coming from without context.