Why does the right side of my waist that of a brick hon and the other has the must penetrative curve. All my days contorted on the computer are coming back to bite me
i want her to misgender me to all her friends and family. she should call me her boyfriend. she should talk about how much she hates men and look at me while she does it. when the people we meet look at my feminine face and body and question whether i'm actually a girl, i want to meekly look down and stutter out that n-no, i'm just a man. and then at night she'll pin me down and peg the ever living shit out of me while i whimper and moan uncontrollably. and only then, after i'm thoroughly used up and exhausted, will she hold me in her arms and secretly admit that i'm her good little princess. (and then ideally she'll ride my face)
>wake up tired >go to bed with 1000 thoughts racing in my head >drugs to numb the pain >no bf to call who can just tell me sweet lies to make me feel better ab life >cant go outside unless im high. >still anxious off the bars >computer basically is my home >my friends think I'm mentally checked out >the one guy I still talk to from when I was a kid thinks I'm some brainfried troon and feels pity for me >haven't had sex in months >the last time I felt love towards someone was a tourist from the UK >drugs don't numb the pain >no job to buy more Drug of choice so I have to use whatever falls on my hand >high off my fucking dog's gabapentin Sisters, is it time to re-incarnationmaxx?
I don't know what I'm making this post or what I hope to gain from it, i think I just want to get some stuff off my chest.
When I was younger, like elementary school, I wished I was a girl. But even then, if I wore like a costume/dressup dress, I would get hard. I didn't really understand it or like it, but I would. During this time, I also really found myself drawn to diapers? And I remember trying on old ones from when I was little.
Middle school comes, I find sissy and diaper porn, start jerking off to that. During this time, Dad starts to cheat on and beat Mom. He eventually dies.
Flash forward to HS, stop feeling "trans" and just think I have a sissy/cd kink, kind of repress those feelings. Eventually they come back near the end of HS, and I think I want to troon out. So I get on IC HRT, but even while I was there, I popped a boner as they described how HRT would change my body.
Many years passed, I went to college, got a job. During these years, I just boymoded. I focused on my degree, on my work, jerked off to diaper sissy stuff when I was horny, and that was it. I think I still longed to be a woman sometime but I always found something to occupy myself with.
And that's kind of been life, boymoding, trying not to think about any sense of "dysphoria" and just jerking it to weird porn.
But now I wonder, if I've put up with that for so long, am I even trans? Did I even have dysphoria? Or did I just pysop myself into thinking I did? I don't want to give my whole life story, but I feel like it's hard to understand where I'm coming from without context.
