>>39574140I think I'm a sexual masochist and I'm debilitatingly ashamed of it. and i realize everyone is apparently these days, and i realize it's a kind of unserious and unsympathetic problem to have, and that no one cares, and that it's "not that big a deal", but oh my god it makes me so upset. i'm just genuinely appalled with myself. it's not uncommon for me to spend hours lying in bed doing nothing but fantasizing in vivid detail about being raped. not even touching myself, just lying there thinking about it (psychotic). from the moment I began to experience sexual thoughts (i think when i was like, 12? 13?) I thought about that. Even as a child I'd think about being kidnapped, and abused, and made to do things, and have things done to me. I still think about that. It genuinely feels like a really big part of who I am despite how badly I wish it wasn't, just because of how often and how deeply I think about it. it's such an all-consuming feeling. it feels like this pit of evil inside me, like I'm a horrible person. sometimes it feels like what I want more than anything else in the entire world. sometimes it makes me cry. I know it's a horrible thing, no part of me thinks anyone deserves to be treated that way (anyone but me). I don't know where it comes from. I'm not a SA victim (as far as I can remember), I've literally never watched porn in my entire life I just use my imagination. I genuinely think it's just a natural part of who I am, and that scares me so much more.
I'm a virgin too (20yo mtf), and I'm absolutely terrified of having sex. I'm worried I'm incapable of being attracted to normal people, in normal ways. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who treats me as an equal. I want to be lesser. I want to be loved, but I can't imagine being loved in a normal way for two adults. I want to be loved in the same way you would love a child, or a pet, or something like that... I want to be looked down on. I hate it so so much.
